[ The mention of heresy makes Tezcatlipoca laugh, but it’s a slightly odd one. He sounds amused, almost nostalgic like this is something he’s heard before, but there’s not much humor in it. There’s a moment as he considers what to say about that, since he has a hell of a lot, really, but the quiet lingers further at the second question. Ironically, though, that one is easier. ]
Nah. Part of that’s just that fear isn’t exactly an emotion that I feel, though. Things that drive fear, they just don’t apply to me.
[ He says it casually with a shrug, but doesn’t elaborate further, since it doesn’t feel important. Diving into the philosophy of what drives fear and therefore how it’s a more mortal phenomenon is a different topic entirely. ]
But other part… How do I put this. [ He takes another drink like it’ll help him get to his answer or at least provide a beat to think about it. ] Well, think of the world like it’s a story. I don’t know the “correct” twist of where the story is heading, but I know all the possible ones. Makes it a little dull. You can gamble on which path you think it’ll take, but there’s still no surprise. That’s also the point. It’s why I’m conflict, not war, since knowing the future makes me pretty impartial on influencing it.
[ Not completely, though, as the Lostbelt has proven. He tries to not dwell on it too much. But he huffs out a little laugh, and this one is fonder. ]
So not knowing for once, it ain’t bad. Can finally experience the world like most people do.
That's good, ( kaladin softly praises tezcatlipoca's inability; he doesn't want him to experience fear. not being triggered by the things that drive it, and therefore never experiencing it at all... what must that be like?
kaladin thinks he's been afraid ever since he was a child. afraid of high expectations. afraid of disappointing the people he loves. afraid of failing his comrades to terrible effect. afraid of losing what feels like an unwinnable war against himself.
afraid of the god that sits across from him now. conflict. death. )
You strike me as a gambling man, so I'm a little surprised. But we all want what we don't have... I suppose Gods experience that sometimes, too. If not desiring the feeling itself, then perhaps the perspective. ( but perhaps that sounds stupid. he's never been all that good at philosophizing, nor has any man when it's discouraged for them to think altogether too hard. tezcatlipoca indulges him, so he doesn't stop, taking a far easier swig of his drink now that the taste is already coating his tongue. )
Tezcatlipoca... what is conflict? Being the embodiment of it, you should know. Is your domain only external conflict? Disagreements between men, and the battles that result?
Ha, don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely a gambler. It’s kinda what I was up to back home, when it comes down to it. I treat all sides of a conflict impartially, since winner or loser, they’re underneath the Black Sun, but doesn’t mean I can’t treat one side with a little fondness.
[ That’s technically what they were going to talk about, since it’s all wrapped up in the end of his world, but he doesn’t mind this path of the conversation. Maybe they’ll get to that. Maybe they won’t. He doesn’t really mind either way, since it always feels more appropriate for those he encounters to direct the conversation as they wish. Whether it’s at a quiet, misty campfire or an ultramodern table sharing an ancient drink, it doesn’t change this part of his duties. ]
If you’re asking, I think you know the answer.
[ Getting to a more serious, philosophical question gets his tone to calm from the playful mischievousness. He nods and tilts his cup around idly in a circle to swirl the liquid. It seems like that might be his only retort, the kind of frustrating non-answer that’s always present in stories of gods (and trickster gods especially!), but he does end up elaborating. ]
Conflict is the driver of change, simple as. It’s the ultimate neutral force, because conflict doesn’t care what it results in, practically speaking. It can be destructive, sure, and that’s what most people tend to think of it as. It’s war and death, or if you take it real personal, it’s “evil”. But it’s creative too. It’s just as much those things as it is a negotiation, personal growth, even the birth of a new life. It’s the struggle that pushes the world forward to a new tomorrow, since whether you’ve survived a blood-soaked battlefield or simply confronted a facet of your own heart, you’re changed. The person you were before belongs only to the past.
[ He takes a drink with his eyes on Kaladin, and the attention is probably slightly uncomfortable. His pale gaze is intense, like he’s able to readily see some secret of Kaladin’s soul. Maybe if he were fully divine, he could, but here? It’s just an expression of interest to see how he might process the idea. ]
cw: more suicidal ideation/dissociation... will e-transfer $200 for therapy session
( an impartial god. he was bothered by that when he first arrived, but after a few discussions with tezcatlipoca, he's come to accept him like a man would a sensation on the skin. he can philosophize about how and why a feeling exists, but never fully grasp how it came into being. although tezcatlipoca looks and acts human, he isn't. he's a concept, and there's something indescribably natural about that and his presence in the room.
tezcatlipoca stares at him, and kaladin stares back. he doesn't shy from it, accustomed to staring death in the face. that doesn't mean he doesn't recall how those times felt. he was scared, yes—so scared of dying. but tezcatlipoca's attention gives him the same sense of total calm as standing at the edge of the honour chasm. that night, the wind pushed at his back and the rain wetted the surface of the rock beneath his feet. both promised him that even if he lost his nerve, they would help him follow through.
kaladin's foot slides forward beneath the table, and the toe of his boot meets tezcatlipoca's in a tap that startles damp eyes into awareness. he's momentarily stunned; here, there's a solid floor, not the open air of a sheer drop into the dark. )
Storms, Tezcatlipoca, I'm sorry, ( he whispers, realizing he's become emotional. his hand leaves his drink to erase that sign of stress, once with the heel of his palm and again with the backs of his fingers. ) That only conflict can bring about a change is hard to accept. The more I try to understand that, the more I want to deny it. I suppose the last push toward acceptance is all a big part of it, but while I'm physically able to distance myself from the past, mentally I... I'm very tired.
( forcing a smile makes his face look stiff, so it's dropped, effort wasted. it won't be believed. but either way, tezcatlipoca—both the ache in his throat and the relief of it subsiding—will continue to drink with him. that's an encouraging thought.
eventually, this life will end. eventually, the conflict will stop. but not yet. they still have drinks to drink. )
Thank you for defining it. For explaining yourself, and for being patient. I know I'm... difficult.
[ He doesn’t have any special insight into Kaladin’s psyche (well, not in this form, at least), but he’s still wise enough to watch the shifts in his expression. His gaze doesn’t soften in the face of what he sees, but he gets a better sense of why this is something that interests him. Conflict is written in every detail of his expression, but especially that slightly glassy look in his eyes. No wonder he was curious about the internal conflicts, huh?
What finally gets Tezcatlipoca’s nearly oppressive attention to shift is that bump of their feet. He’s surprised too, but it breaks the intensity with a look of surprise that’s followed by a cool shrug. Tezcatlipoca relaxes again as he sits back in his chair to listen. Honestly, he’s tempted to fish out a cigarette, but getting the no smoking alert blaring would definitely ruin the ambiance they have going here. ]
Ha. You, difficult? No need to apologize, since I don’t think you are.
[ Granted, what he considers “difficult” is also atypical. A difficult person is someone like Chaldea’s Master, someone who stands against the domains that Tezcatlipoca holds to the most strongly. Thus, LILITH has no shortage of difficult people, since there are plenty of people that would completely deny Tezcatlipoca’s words. ]
If you’re tired, rest. Believe it or not, I’m big on that too.
[ He flashes him a cheeky, toothy grin where it’s hard to tell how serious he is… But it is true. He’s a god of many domains, and many of them are also contradictory, at least at the surface. ]
No shame in that. Or in having to work to accept conflict, for that matter. Latter’s pretty counterintuitive, even, since that’s a sentiment that gets depressing for people if they take it the wrong way. But just making sure you’ve got the strength of mind and body to continue, that’s nothing to scoff at.
[ He nods to the cup in Kaladin’s hand. ]
So, anytime you feel like relaxing, you let me know. Can’t promise metoctli every time, but I've got plenty of ways to blow off steam.
( it's the simplest advice that sticks with him the most. if a god tells him rest is allowed and necessary, isn't it unquestionably true? the words come from the highest authority, after all.
unfortunately, kaladin has witnessed gods make mistakes. this puts them at a lower status—but higher in his estimations. everything and everyone is fallible, even feelings, concepts, and spirits. it makes him crack a small, watery smile when tezcatlipoca grins at him, and then it's gone behind a forearm. )
What do you suggest? ( his arm comes away after a hurried wipe, reddened eyes aiming down into his metoctli. ) Wrestle a kaiju? Win the next beauty contest? Defeat my inner demons? Join one of the Everlights' pillow fights at two in the morning?
( lists them all like they're all comparable.......... )
[ Honestly, this is pretty much the answer he expects. He has a pretty good idea of the kind of man Kaladin is by now, and thus, he’s the kind of guy with the “I’ll rest when I’m dead” mentality. He can’t say he dislikes it—hell, that’s a personality trait he’s drawn to, if he’s honest. It’s why the list of options and immediate refusal makes him laugh. ]
Why not? Those all sound fun, save for the inner demons one. If you think that’s rest, well, leads into my question nicely. Feel like I know the answer too, but I’m going to ask anyways.
[ With his glass still in hand, he points across the desk at Kaladin. ]
What do you do on your days off? What’s “fun” for you?
If you know the answer, do I really have to say it? ( his voice lacks its usual fire, sounding more tired than anything. )
I... I work. I train. I keep my mind occupied. If I don't... It's not pretty, Tez. I'm not all that familiar with "fun."
( tez won't care, or it won't bother him or linger with him, but he still feels it necessary to warn him. warn everyone. maybe then they won't expect so much of him. he's not reliable—not anymore. )
I like to go on walks sometimes. And I like sitting here with you.
Yep. Surely you get that I don’t ask questions for no reason, right?
[ But he laughs gently even so, and he also smiles with an expression that’s a bit hard to place. It looks like fondness, but still not quite right—like there’s something more complicated that comes with it. Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t, but it’s a familiar answer all the same. ]
Well, can’t say I’m opposed to those options. Any of ‘em. Training, meditating, havin’ a talk with yours truly, that’s all good shit for warrior to do.
[ The “but” is clear in his tone, though. He lets that linger as he takes a solid, slow drink, and his own pale eyes are directed down. He’s thinking about something, but it’s still with an easy smile. It doesn’t remain overly mysterious and contemplative long, though. Just long enough to maybe make Kaladin wonder what he’s thinking. ]
We’ll have a night of fun, if it’s all the same to you, then. Doesn’t have to be any more than that. But let’s just say I know your type. And therefore, it’s valuable to see how people spend their time. Can guarantee you’ll learn something, even if it’s just why you end up at my bar so often.
( it feels like adolin's here, guiding him to socialize again. kaladin didn't realize how much he missed him until now, being encouraged so similarly by tezcatlipoca. his friend from home always assured him that hanging out with others didn't require smiles and good humour, just presence of body and mind. he takes that advice and combines it with tezcatlipoca's.
blonds, he thinks, smiling. )
It's all the same to me. I can't promise a good mood, but I can promise I'll learn something. I already have—from you.
( watching people has always been a hobby. how they go about their day, how they interact with others. how they persist despite everything terrible happening in their lives—and everyone has something.
he has a drink to tezcatlipoca's words, again polishing off his glass. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Nah. Part of that’s just that fear isn’t exactly an emotion that I feel, though. Things that drive fear, they just don’t apply to me.
[ He says it casually with a shrug, but doesn’t elaborate further, since it doesn’t feel important. Diving into the philosophy of what drives fear and therefore how it’s a more mortal phenomenon is a different topic entirely. ]
But other part… How do I put this. [ He takes another drink like it’ll help him get to his answer or at least provide a beat to think about it. ] Well, think of the world like it’s a story. I don’t know the “correct” twist of where the story is heading, but I know all the possible ones. Makes it a little dull. You can gamble on which path you think it’ll take, but there’s still no surprise. That’s also the point. It’s why I’m conflict, not war, since knowing the future makes me pretty impartial on influencing it.
[ Not completely, though, as the Lostbelt has proven. He tries to not dwell on it too much. But he huffs out a little laugh, and this one is fonder. ]
So not knowing for once, it ain’t bad. Can finally experience the world like most people do.
no subject
kaladin thinks he's been afraid ever since he was a child. afraid of high expectations. afraid of disappointing the people he loves. afraid of failing his comrades to terrible effect. afraid of losing what feels like an unwinnable war against himself.
afraid of the god that sits across from him now. conflict. death. )
You strike me as a gambling man, so I'm a little surprised. But we all want what we don't have... I suppose Gods experience that sometimes, too. If not desiring the feeling itself, then perhaps the perspective. ( but perhaps that sounds stupid. he's never been all that good at philosophizing, nor has any man when it's discouraged for them to think altogether too hard. tezcatlipoca indulges him, so he doesn't stop, taking a far easier swig of his drink now that the taste is already coating his tongue. )
Tezcatlipoca... what is conflict? Being the embodiment of it, you should know. Is your domain only external conflict? Disagreements between men, and the battles that result?
Or is it more? Is it... internal, too?
no subject
[ That’s technically what they were going to talk about, since it’s all wrapped up in the end of his world, but he doesn’t mind this path of the conversation. Maybe they’ll get to that. Maybe they won’t. He doesn’t really mind either way, since it always feels more appropriate for those he encounters to direct the conversation as they wish. Whether it’s at a quiet, misty campfire or an ultramodern table sharing an ancient drink, it doesn’t change this part of his duties. ]
If you’re asking, I think you know the answer.
[ Getting to a more serious, philosophical question gets his tone to calm from the playful mischievousness. He nods and tilts his cup around idly in a circle to swirl the liquid. It seems like that might be his only retort, the kind of frustrating non-answer that’s always present in stories of gods (and trickster gods especially!), but he does end up elaborating. ]
Conflict is the driver of change, simple as. It’s the ultimate neutral force, because conflict doesn’t care what it results in, practically speaking. It can be destructive, sure, and that’s what most people tend to think of it as. It’s war and death, or if you take it real personal, it’s “evil”. But it’s creative too. It’s just as much those things as it is a negotiation, personal growth, even the birth of a new life. It’s the struggle that pushes the world forward to a new tomorrow, since whether you’ve survived a blood-soaked battlefield or simply confronted a facet of your own heart, you’re changed. The person you were before belongs only to the past.
[ He takes a drink with his eyes on Kaladin, and the attention is probably slightly uncomfortable. His pale gaze is intense, like he’s able to readily see some secret of Kaladin’s soul. Maybe if he were fully divine, he could, but here? It’s just an expression of interest to see how he might process the idea. ]
cw: more suicidal ideation/dissociation... will e-transfer $200 for therapy session
tezcatlipoca stares at him, and kaladin stares back. he doesn't shy from it, accustomed to staring death in the face. that doesn't mean he doesn't recall how those times felt. he was scared, yes—so scared of dying. but tezcatlipoca's attention gives him the same sense of total calm as standing at the edge of the honour chasm. that night, the wind pushed at his back and the rain wetted the surface of the rock beneath his feet. both promised him that even if he lost his nerve, they would help him follow through.
kaladin's foot slides forward beneath the table, and the toe of his boot meets tezcatlipoca's in a tap that startles damp eyes into awareness. he's momentarily stunned; here, there's a solid floor, not the open air of a sheer drop into the dark. )
Storms, Tezcatlipoca, I'm sorry, ( he whispers, realizing he's become emotional. his hand leaves his drink to erase that sign of stress, once with the heel of his palm and again with the backs of his fingers. ) That only conflict can bring about a change is hard to accept. The more I try to understand that, the more I want to deny it. I suppose the last push toward acceptance is all a big part of it, but while I'm physically able to distance myself from the past, mentally I... I'm very tired.
( forcing a smile makes his face look stiff, so it's dropped, effort wasted. it won't be believed. but either way, tezcatlipoca—both the ache in his throat and the relief of it subsiding—will continue to drink with him. that's an encouraging thought.
eventually, this life will end. eventually, the conflict will stop. but not yet. they still have drinks to drink. )
Thank you for defining it. For explaining yourself, and for being patient. I know I'm... difficult.
no subject
What finally gets Tezcatlipoca’s nearly oppressive attention to shift is that bump of their feet. He’s surprised too, but it breaks the intensity with a look of surprise that’s followed by a cool shrug. Tezcatlipoca relaxes again as he sits back in his chair to listen. Honestly, he’s tempted to fish out a cigarette, but getting the no smoking alert blaring would definitely ruin the ambiance they have going here. ]
Ha. You, difficult? No need to apologize, since I don’t think you are.
[ Granted, what he considers “difficult” is also atypical. A difficult person is someone like Chaldea’s Master, someone who stands against the domains that Tezcatlipoca holds to the most strongly. Thus, LILITH has no shortage of difficult people, since there are plenty of people that would completely deny Tezcatlipoca’s words. ]
If you’re tired, rest. Believe it or not, I’m big on that too.
[ He flashes him a cheeky, toothy grin where it’s hard to tell how serious he is… But it is true. He’s a god of many domains, and many of them are also contradictory, at least at the surface. ]
No shame in that. Or in having to work to accept conflict, for that matter. Latter’s pretty counterintuitive, even, since that’s a sentiment that gets depressing for people if they take it the wrong way. But just making sure you’ve got the strength of mind and body to continue, that’s nothing to scoff at.
[ He nods to the cup in Kaladin’s hand. ]
So, anytime you feel like relaxing, you let me know. Can’t promise metoctli every time, but I've got plenty of ways to blow off steam.
no subject
( it's the simplest advice that sticks with him the most. if a god tells him rest is allowed and necessary, isn't it unquestionably true? the words come from the highest authority, after all.
unfortunately, kaladin has witnessed gods make mistakes. this puts them at a lower status—but higher in his estimations. everything and everyone is fallible, even feelings, concepts, and spirits. it makes him crack a small, watery smile when tezcatlipoca grins at him, and then it's gone behind a forearm. )
What do you suggest? ( his arm comes away after a hurried wipe, reddened eyes aiming down into his metoctli. ) Wrestle a kaiju? Win the next beauty contest? Defeat my inner demons? Join one of the Everlights' pillow fights at two in the morning?
( lists them all like they're all comparable.......... )
No thanks.
no subject
Why not? Those all sound fun, save for the inner demons one. If you think that’s rest, well, leads into my question nicely. Feel like I know the answer too, but I’m going to ask anyways.
[ With his glass still in hand, he points across the desk at Kaladin. ]
What do you do on your days off? What’s “fun” for you?
no subject
I... I work. I train. I keep my mind occupied. If I don't... It's not pretty, Tez. I'm not all that familiar with "fun."
( tez won't care, or it won't bother him or linger with him, but he still feels it necessary to warn him. warn everyone. maybe then they won't expect so much of him. he's not reliable—not anymore. )
I like to go on walks sometimes. And I like sitting here with you.
no subject
[ But he laughs gently even so, and he also smiles with an expression that’s a bit hard to place. It looks like fondness, but still not quite right—like there’s something more complicated that comes with it. Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t, but it’s a familiar answer all the same. ]
Well, can’t say I’m opposed to those options. Any of ‘em. Training, meditating, havin’ a talk with yours truly, that’s all good shit for warrior to do.
[ The “but” is clear in his tone, though. He lets that linger as he takes a solid, slow drink, and his own pale eyes are directed down. He’s thinking about something, but it’s still with an easy smile. It doesn’t remain overly mysterious and contemplative long, though. Just long enough to maybe make Kaladin wonder what he’s thinking. ]
We’ll have a night of fun, if it’s all the same to you, then. Doesn’t have to be any more than that. But let’s just say I know your type. And therefore, it’s valuable to see how people spend their time. Can guarantee you’ll learn something, even if it’s just why you end up at my bar so often.
GOOD TO WRAP UP HERE TBH ✨
blonds, he thinks, smiling. )
It's all the same to me. I can't promise a good mood, but I can promise I'll learn something. I already have—from you.
( watching people has always been a hobby. how they go about their day, how they interact with others. how they persist despite everything terrible happening in their lives—and everyone has something.
he has a drink to tezcatlipoca's words, again polishing off his glass. )
Name a time and place, Tez. I'll be there.